Artery Hardee'sining

I filed a restraining order that requires the word burrito to stay at lest 10 words away from the word breakfast.

Are you kidding me, Hardee's?

New Product - Chickincense (Patent Pending)

In a letter to Der Kraft Lebensmittel, I recently asked for some guidance regarding a pet project of mine here at The Bohannon Institute of Things That Smell Like Other Things...

Sent 06.10.08:

Hi Kim, I need to talk to one of your flavor specialists about the flavoring of CHICKEN IN A BISKIT. I need to know the consistency of the poultry slurry that produces a believable chicken flavor. I'm working on a project that uses a similar emulsified meat mixture which is then baked onto a stick and cured for 45 days. It's intended use is as an aromatic smoke release device when lit directly by a flame. Anyway, I'm having a hard time keeping the cured, mechanically separated, liquefied matrix applied to the stick. I was hoping that if I could speak to one of your experts, I could get this consistency issue sorted out and finally get *Chickincense* (Patent Pending) on the market! Also, keep up the good work on those Nilla Cakestumps, they're DELICIOUS!!!


I received the following reply on 06.18.08:

Thank you for visiting http://www.kraftfoods.com/.

I am delighted to hear that you are pleased with our Nilla Cakesters. There's nothing more important to us than giving you, and every one of our consumers, products that are of the highest quality.

In addition, thank you for your interest in the manufacturing of our products. Enriched wheat flour is blended with water and other ingredients to form a dough. This dough is then formed into thin sheets and cut into cracker shape, salted if required and placed on a continuous moving oven. The crackers are baked in a gas-heated oven to remove the water and achieve the desired surface color. The savory seasoning is applied after the baking process. A vegetable oil is lightly applied after the baking process. I'm sorry to let you know that I won't be able to provide you with any further information because this information is proprietary.

Again, thanks for contacting us, and I hope you'll continue to enjoy our products.

[Jonny Redacted]
Associate Director, Consumer Relations

OK, I redacted the name, but I want to point out that the first name of the person that replied was the same as the name of the fuzzy person in the customer service photo above. Coincidence? Or is Kraft Foods just the most honest multi-national company in the world???

I'm going with coincidence.

And as a side note, There are three other "In a Biskits"...

Thanks to Lynn Diesel for the chicken pic!

Kudos to FTD

Wow, I've got to say I'm impressed with FTD customer service for the timeliness of response and tenacity to pursue an absurd letter...

The Letter to FTD.com...

Dear F. Recently I attempted to order the Kama Sutra Lover's Chocolate Paintbox for my partner and was shocked to find out that the store where I tried to place the order would not agree to print the message I wanted on the card. Now, I realize that the small Arkansas town that I live in has a lot of growing up to do, but I think that in this day and age, a simple, loving homosexual relationship should be treated the same as any straight couple, and they should be allowed to "Brush this incredibly rich treat onto someone you love, then create a delicious masterpiece" just like your website says. Anyway, the card was supposed to say "I can't wait to get home to eat this up off them nuts" but ended up saying "My love for you is an abomination and I should be put to death in the town square as an example to all faggots". You win some and you lose some.





The Reply...



Mr. Riggins,



I have been attempting to find your order that your email is referencing bus (sic) was unsuccessful.



To further pursue this matter I am requesting you provide us with a little more information. Was this order placed with FTD.com via the internet, phone or was this order placed directly with a florist?



In addition if you could please provide us with a good contact phone number so that we may reach you to discuss this further.



Respectfully,



[Name Redacted]

Customer Care Assistant Manager

FTD.com, Centerbrook

FauxFu

12.22.07

TO: http://www.house-foods.com/contact_us.html

Hello Mr. Foods, I am delighted to tell you about the latest invention from CSR Consolidated called FauxFu(TM)! As the word leader in tofu manufacturing and distribution, I'm giving you the first chance in being a part of this endeavor.

FauxFu (TM) is made from all natural hot dog meat and will be huge in the American South markets owing to their general distaste for non-meat based foodstuffs.

Please contact me and my associates so you can know where to start sending the checks.

Yours in deliciousness,

The response...

Thank you for cotacting [sic] us.

Although it sounds interesting, we do our own product development.

We appreciate your interest in House Foods.

[Name Redacted]
Consumer Affairs

Runts

August 10, 2007

Greetings William Nestle Wonka,

I have been eating Runts for a long long time. I was saddened by the elimination of the lime Runt in the late 90s, but somewhat placated with the addition of the watermelon and blue raspberry candies. This time however, you've gone too far.

Orange, banana, strawberry, mango, and pineapple?

What is this? This is the most bland combination of flavors that exist in nature. You might as well have a white bread flavored Runt.

What reason could there possibly be for this change? Is Willy's tongueless son Nathan Wonka running the show now? Was there a meeting with the New Coke people? Did the tree that grows tiny limes, watermelons and blue raspberries die???

Here's my proposal: Re-launch the product with orange, watermelon, raspberry, cherry, strawberry, and lots of limes to make up for the decade or so that they were left out.

And another thing... eliminating cherry flavored candies is like eliminating tomato sauce from Italian food.

Your friend in candy,
C. S. Riggins


The reply...

August 10, 2007


Thank you for contacting us. Your comments regarding Wonka® Fruit Runts® are very important to us.

Responding to consumer needs is a vital aspect of maintaining our role as a leader in the food industry, so we continually evaluate all of our products. We certainly appreciate your interest in the original version of this product and regret your disappointment with our efforts to improve it. Please be assured, constructive criticism helps us assess our products and our services. As a result, we have circulated your comments to the appropriate personnel for their review and information.

Once again, we thank you for the information you reported to us, for it helps us in the constant evaluation of our production processes, product acceptance and overall quality.

Sincerely,
[Name Redacted, even though it was a mildly humorous name]
Consumer Response Representative

Ref: N15193300

TapeWOW! (TM)

Date: Thu Oct 2, 2003 6:13 pm



Hello Mr. Fast,

My name is Chainsaw Riggins and I represent the Bohannon Institute. I'd like to let you be the first to know that we have developed a new product that will sweep the dietary supplement industry by storm.

The product is called TapeWOW! (TM) and it's due to be introduced into the market for the Christmas Holidays. We expect HUGE numbers by early spring.

Let me explain TapeWOW! (TM). By using the special powers of the Hymenolepis Nana (sometimes known as "tape worm") you will see the pounds and inches melt away like a delicious Slim Fast candy bar locked inside your car on a hot day (Oh no, and my baby is in there!). The TapeWOW! (TM) slogan... "Now you're eating for TWO!". We've considered changing it to "WOW, you're eating for TWO!", but the jury is still out on that.

And just think Slim, IT'S ORGANIC!

From our labs in rural Arkansas, we have built up a stock of nearly 50 million Hymenolepis Nana embryo for the TapeWOW (TM) product. And we have been mixing them with your Slim Fast Strawberry shakes. Just one healthy TapeWOW! (TM) shake every morning for 4 months with a hearty lunch and dinner(s) and I have lost so much weight that I get to stay in bed ALL THE TIME! I don't even have to walk! That's what kind of success a person who has lost as much unsightly pounds and inches as me can expect to look forward to when they begin the TapeWOW! (TM) amazing diet!!!

Anyway, I know you're busy so I'll get to the point. All I need from you Mr. Fast, is distribution for TapeWOW! (TM). For this, I am willing to split profits 69.65/30.35 (for tax purposes).

Let me know what you think!



Sincerely,

Chainsaw Riggins
CEO of Marketing
The Bohannon Institute


No Response

French's Mustard

Date: Tue Oct 1, 2002 4:11 pm


Hello Mr. French, my name is Chainsaw Riggins with the Chainsaw Riggins of Condiment Related Art and Culture and I would like to send one of my students to audition as your new mustard artist. She is 26 years old and has expressed an interest in mustard art since she was 4. She has
been offered many mustard art scholarships and is planning on starting school in Berkeley this spring where she will be under Professor Emeritus Ignatius J. Wilmington.

She has repeatedly tried to contact your company and to tell you the truth, she is becoming quite discouraged with your behavior. Is it the policy of French's Mustard Corporation to destroy the hopes and dreams of little American girls who have no other option but to join the Taliban?

I sincerely hope not sir.

Chainsaw Riggins, MPCRH


The Response...



From: "Relations, Consumer"
Subject: RE: audition/A202641100
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 2002 10:04:55 -0700

Thank you for contacting us.

Reckitt Benckiser employs the services of a professional agency to seek talent for our advertising messages. Unfortunately, at this time, we're not exploring submissions from our consumers.

We appreciate your thoughtfulness, and your interest in our company.


[Name Redacted]
Consumer Relations Department
Reckitt Benckiser Inc.
P.O. Box 945
Wayne, NJ 07474-0945
Phone: 1-800-228-4722