Frito Chili DIE!!!!

Letter sent to Sonic Drive In July 6, 2009. No reply.

Hello, I've been living in the Seattle area for a little over three years and haven't seen a Sonic yet. I'm from a little town in Arkansas that has four of them!!! I think you could really break in to the market up here by catering to the more sophisticated pallet of the people of the Pacific Northwest. Let me suggest to you and the Sonic Drive-In Conglomerate the perfect menu item to introduce yourselves with...

Frito Chowder Pie!!!

Like this, but gray and fishy smelling

You can even expand on that by adding a Frito Chowder Pie Wrap to the menu in the summertime. Then in winter, put some bacon up on that mofo. Clearly, it's a product that sells itself.

All I ask is that I get free cherry limeades for life. Please forward this idea to whoever can get the ball rolling on this idea, because I'm getting thirsty.

Patriot Palm Bounce vs Terrorist Fist Jab

My reaction to Fox "News" Television Space Waster E.D. Hill's description of Barak and Michelle Obama's dap after the June 3rd primary in St Paul led me to send the following email to every Fox email address I could round up...

I would like to request that on all future broadcasts, all personnel refer to a handshake as a "PATRIOT PALM BOUNCE" to avoid confusion with the dreaded "TERRORIST FIST JAB".

Yours in Christ,
CS Riggins

Please apply this to all on-air communication, as well as all personal behavior.

As you can imagine, Rupert immediately called E.D. and let her know that she will no longer be hosting that particular outlet of fairs and balancey things. Note that her replacement is the reprehensible Laura Ingraham so, there's really no victory there.


Of course, the only reply I got was canned...

Hey Fox Fan,

As you can imagine, we receive thousands of messages a day from our viewers, and while we appreciate you taking the time to provide feedback, we cannot respond to every question or comment directly. Please know that your e-mails are read and your comments are taken into consideration. When applicable, we will pass your e-mails along to the appropriate department and/or individual. Keep watching FNC!

Thank you,
FOX News Channel

(image: Scott Olson/Getty Images. June 3, 2008. St. Paul, MN)

New Product - Chickincense (Patent Pending)

In a letter to Der Kraft Lebensmittel, I recently asked for some guidance regarding a pet project of mine here at The Bohannon Institute of Things That Smell Like Other Things...

Sent 06.10.08:

Hi Kim, I need to talk to one of your flavor specialists about the flavoring of CHICKEN IN A BISKIT. I need to know the consistency of the poultry slurry that produces a believable chicken flavor. I'm working on a project that uses a similar emulsified meat mixture which is then baked onto a stick and cured for 45 days. It's intended use is as an aromatic smoke release device when lit directly by a flame. Anyway, I'm having a hard time keeping the cured, mechanically separated, liquefied matrix applied to the stick. I was hoping that if I could speak to one of your experts, I could get this consistency issue sorted out and finally get *Chickincense* (Patent Pending) on the market! Also, keep up the good work on those Nilla Cakestumps, they're DELICIOUS!!!


I received the following reply on 06.18.08:

Thank you for visiting http://www.kraftfoods.com/.

I am delighted to hear that you are pleased with our Nilla Cakesters. There's nothing more important to us than giving you, and every one of our consumers, products that are of the highest quality.

In addition, thank you for your interest in the manufacturing of our products. Enriched wheat flour is blended with water and other ingredients to form a dough. This dough is then formed into thin sheets and cut into cracker shape, salted if required and placed on a continuous moving oven. The crackers are baked in a gas-heated oven to remove the water and achieve the desired surface color. The savory seasoning is applied after the baking process. A vegetable oil is lightly applied after the baking process. I'm sorry to let you know that I won't be able to provide you with any further information because this information is proprietary.

Again, thanks for contacting us, and I hope you'll continue to enjoy our products.

[Jonny Redacted]
Associate Director, Consumer Relations

OK, I redacted the name, but I want to point out that the first name of the person that replied was the same as the name of the fuzzy person in the customer service photo above. Coincidence? Or is Kraft Foods just the most honest multi-national company in the world???

I'm going with coincidence.

And as a side note, There are three other "In a Biskits"...

Thanks to Lynn Diesel for the chicken pic!

ROTFTU - The New Emoticon

This week's letter is to a small mom-and-pop operation out of California called Google. I believe it's some sort of typewriter store.

Anyway, I filled out their product comment form on 06.02.08...

Google product your story is about:

Other - Emoticons



Please tell us your story about this product.

Hello Mr Google, My Name is Cameron Scott Riggins III. I represent the Bohannon Institute of Emoticon Sciences. I've got good news! The Institute has developed the biggest development in web slang developments since the development of "LOL" (laugh out loud). But I'm not "L"-ing out "L" when I tell you we are about to make HUNDRED$ of dollars off this idea.

Here goes...

ROTFTU = Rolling on the floor throwing up (TM)!

Imagine, every time a nerd is in his mom's basement, drunk on Red Dog and smoking clove cigarettes, chatting about how his 4th level imp, lets call him Jingo, just defeated Lord Black Pee in a raid and gets so excited from eating too many Runts he begins to lose it. With his free hand, he can type "ROTFTU" while making sure his pony tail doesn't in the toilet while he's barfing. I realize that this doesn't explain why he has a computer in the bathroom. It's a long story.

Anyway, I've attached a jpg of what the emoticon should look like. I'm open to suggestions. Maybe the eyes should be bugging out?













Do you do direct deposit on royalties? Let me know and I'll send you my routing number.


What do you like best about this product?

I will make money off of it.


How did you hear about it?

I was rolling on the floor, throwing up.


http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dtdjxsr_91kvb6wjdk


Auto Reply after hitting submit:

Thank you for writing in to tell us your story.
You should receive a confirmation email from us shortly. If we're interested in exploring your story further, we'll get in touch.

The Generic Reply:


Thank you for writing in to tell us your story. While we can't guarantee that we'll respond to each and every message, we do read every note and really appreciate your taking the time to share your experience with us. If we're interested in exploring your story further, we'll get in touch.

If you're looking for help, need an answer to a question, or would like to send us feedback, please visit Google Help at http://www.google.com/support/. We aren't able to respond to requests submitted through our testimonials contact form.

Regards,
The Google Team


Still no real reply, but I'm sure the good folks at Google are busy working on the patent for my new emoticon.

USPS - No reply

A Letter Sent to USPS 05.14.08. Never got a reply, although they stated that I would receive a reply within 48 hours. I've hit a dry spell!


Does the mailman have a key to the lobby of every apartment building in the city? Just wondering, because he gets in here somehow. Does he have to sign something that promises he won't do anything creepy? What if he was selling copies of the keys on the black market? I've heard that it's really hard to fire a mailman. Does selling black market keys qualify as a fire-able offense? Does anyone ever ask if the mailman can help them open a jar or hold down their cat while they clip her claws or something? I mean, he's in there right? Might as well pitch in if it doesn't take too much time. I'd help him out, sheesh.



Also, I was thinking about writing to NASCAR suggesting that they put traffic lights on their racetracks to make the race a little more interesting? Any thoughts on that? I think they should also throw a dog out in the street and install some potholes too. Or maybe just have the race in downtown Seattle. Make them try to take a right turn on 4th and Pine during rush hour. You know what I'm talking about.

One more thing. I read somewhere that if you take the barcode and return address from one of those bulk mailings and tape it to a box filled with bricks, the post office would ship it to the return address and make them pay for it. I this true? That would be awesome because you guys would make some serious bank if everyone started doing that.


Later, holmes.


For some reason, I never got a reply. Maybe it got lost in the tubes.

Thx to ohsoretro for the picture.

Benny Hinn, Heal My Pale Skin!

I sent this one to Benny Hinn Ministries on Feb 14th, 2008, but never got a response for some reason...




Dear Brother Hinn,

...

I would like to purchase a case of your tanning cream. You see, I live in the heathen city of Seattle Washington amongst the gays and the Japs and because of this blight, God doesn't allow the sun to shine upon the righteous. I hear that sitting in a tanning bed can often lift the spirits when faced with such gloom, but I don't want to catch the aids or the cancers. I am praying that using the tanning cream that gives you that lustrous glow will lift me out of my wintertime sadnesses.


Cameron Scott Riggins, III

That's not a Ziplock Brand crack bag, mister.

TO: Glad Consumer Services
DATE: 03.13.08

Hello, I was walking through a parking lot yesterday and noticed a small 1.5"X1.5" ziplock bag on the ground with Batman logos all over it and it got me thinking. This would be great for selling crack. It's small so one could put just the right amount of rock in there without wasting a big bag. Plus it has Batman all over it, so kids know that it's for adults only, because everyone knows that the dark night is just for grown ups. Then I got to thinking about other uses for this tiny bag. Individual grapes. Salt. Pepper. Three peanuts. The parts of a pencil eraser that come off after a furious erasing session. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS (as long as it's not bigger than an inch and a half square).

Anyway, I'm not sure if this is a GLAD product. But you guys should look into it for the six uses it is capable of.


THE RESPONSE...

March 14, 2008

Mr. C S Riggins

{REDACTED}

Seattle, WA


Dear Mr. Riggins,

Thank you for contacting Glad. We always appreciate hearing from our consumers.

The product that you mentioned is not manufactured by The Clorox Company. Therefore, I am returning your original letter, and I suggest that you ask your retailer for the address of the company that produces this item.

Again, thank you for contacting us.

Sincerely,

{REDACTED}

Consumer Response Representative

Consumer Services




-------------------------------------------


"Oh, excuse me... Crack head, can you tell me who makes those Batman crack baggies that your delicious delicious crack comes in? Thanks."

yeah right Glad. I'm going to get right on that.

Kudos to FTD

Wow, I've got to say I'm impressed with FTD customer service for the timeliness of response and tenacity to pursue an absurd letter...

The Letter to FTD.com...

Dear F. Recently I attempted to order the Kama Sutra Lover's Chocolate Paintbox for my partner and was shocked to find out that the store where I tried to place the order would not agree to print the message I wanted on the card. Now, I realize that the small Arkansas town that I live in has a lot of growing up to do, but I think that in this day and age, a simple, loving homosexual relationship should be treated the same as any straight couple, and they should be allowed to "Brush this incredibly rich treat onto someone you love, then create a delicious masterpiece" just like your website says. Anyway, the card was supposed to say "I can't wait to get home to eat this up off them nuts" but ended up saying "My love for you is an abomination and I should be put to death in the town square as an example to all faggots". You win some and you lose some.





The Reply...



Mr. Riggins,



I have been attempting to find your order that your email is referencing bus (sic) was unsuccessful.



To further pursue this matter I am requesting you provide us with a little more information. Was this order placed with FTD.com via the internet, phone or was this order placed directly with a florist?



In addition if you could please provide us with a good contact phone number so that we may reach you to discuss this further.



Respectfully,



[Name Redacted]

Customer Care Assistant Manager

FTD.com, Centerbrook

FauxFu

12.22.07

TO: http://www.house-foods.com/contact_us.html

Hello Mr. Foods, I am delighted to tell you about the latest invention from CSR Consolidated called FauxFu(TM)! As the word leader in tofu manufacturing and distribution, I'm giving you the first chance in being a part of this endeavor.

FauxFu (TM) is made from all natural hot dog meat and will be huge in the American South markets owing to their general distaste for non-meat based foodstuffs.

Please contact me and my associates so you can know where to start sending the checks.

Yours in deliciousness,

The response...

Thank you for cotacting [sic] us.

Although it sounds interesting, we do our own product development.

We appreciate your interest in House Foods.

[Name Redacted]
Consumer Affairs

Runts

August 10, 2007

Greetings William Nestle Wonka,

I have been eating Runts for a long long time. I was saddened by the elimination of the lime Runt in the late 90s, but somewhat placated with the addition of the watermelon and blue raspberry candies. This time however, you've gone too far.

Orange, banana, strawberry, mango, and pineapple?

What is this? This is the most bland combination of flavors that exist in nature. You might as well have a white bread flavored Runt.

What reason could there possibly be for this change? Is Willy's tongueless son Nathan Wonka running the show now? Was there a meeting with the New Coke people? Did the tree that grows tiny limes, watermelons and blue raspberries die???

Here's my proposal: Re-launch the product with orange, watermelon, raspberry, cherry, strawberry, and lots of limes to make up for the decade or so that they were left out.

And another thing... eliminating cherry flavored candies is like eliminating tomato sauce from Italian food.

Your friend in candy,
C. S. Riggins


The reply...

August 10, 2007


Thank you for contacting us. Your comments regarding Wonka® Fruit Runts® are very important to us.

Responding to consumer needs is a vital aspect of maintaining our role as a leader in the food industry, so we continually evaluate all of our products. We certainly appreciate your interest in the original version of this product and regret your disappointment with our efforts to improve it. Please be assured, constructive criticism helps us assess our products and our services. As a result, we have circulated your comments to the appropriate personnel for their review and information.

Once again, we thank you for the information you reported to us, for it helps us in the constant evaluation of our production processes, product acceptance and overall quality.

Sincerely,
[Name Redacted, even though it was a mildly humorous name]
Consumer Response Representative

Ref: N15193300

TapeWOW! (TM)

Date: Thu Oct 2, 2003 6:13 pm



Hello Mr. Fast,

My name is Chainsaw Riggins and I represent the Bohannon Institute. I'd like to let you be the first to know that we have developed a new product that will sweep the dietary supplement industry by storm.

The product is called TapeWOW! (TM) and it's due to be introduced into the market for the Christmas Holidays. We expect HUGE numbers by early spring.

Let me explain TapeWOW! (TM). By using the special powers of the Hymenolepis Nana (sometimes known as "tape worm") you will see the pounds and inches melt away like a delicious Slim Fast candy bar locked inside your car on a hot day (Oh no, and my baby is in there!). The TapeWOW! (TM) slogan... "Now you're eating for TWO!". We've considered changing it to "WOW, you're eating for TWO!", but the jury is still out on that.

And just think Slim, IT'S ORGANIC!

From our labs in rural Arkansas, we have built up a stock of nearly 50 million Hymenolepis Nana embryo for the TapeWOW (TM) product. And we have been mixing them with your Slim Fast Strawberry shakes. Just one healthy TapeWOW! (TM) shake every morning for 4 months with a hearty lunch and dinner(s) and I have lost so much weight that I get to stay in bed ALL THE TIME! I don't even have to walk! That's what kind of success a person who has lost as much unsightly pounds and inches as me can expect to look forward to when they begin the TapeWOW! (TM) amazing diet!!!

Anyway, I know you're busy so I'll get to the point. All I need from you Mr. Fast, is distribution for TapeWOW! (TM). For this, I am willing to split profits 69.65/30.35 (for tax purposes).

Let me know what you think!



Sincerely,

Chainsaw Riggins
CEO of Marketing
The Bohannon Institute


No Response

A Letter to KGO-TV, an ABC Affiliate in San Francisco...

I've been working on a pilot episode of my new situation comedy "Too Many Grandmas". It's about a guy who goes to visit his grandmother at the nursing home, only to find that all the grandmas look the same. The kicker is that Pauly Shore is set to play, not only the nursing home visitor, but ALL the grandmas!

Needless to say, wackiness ensues in the pilot episode when the main grandma, Agnes (Pauly Shore), starts a speed metal band with some of the other inmates/patients called Osteoferocious. Their brief but sexy tour is cut short when lead guitarist Enid (Pauly Shore) and drummer Myrtle (Pauly Shore) get in a spat over the name of their Latest Album, Metal-Mucial.

Let me know when you want me to send the script. I'd like to put it on between Friends and Scrubbs if possible! Just send the plane tickets to the address listed above.

Thanks,
C.S. Riggins




Their Response...

From: ABC7 Viewer Feedback
Subject: Re:
Date: Wed, 30 Oct 2002 17:00:53 -0800

ABC corporate policy does not allow us to accept unsolicited program ideas. This is for the protection of both the station and the originator of program ideas.

Please understand this is by no means a reflection on you or your ideas. We wish you the best of luck and appreciate your thinking of ABC7.

[Name Redacted]
Programming Dept.
KGO-TV

A letter to Arkansas' NBC News

To:
Sent: Tuesday, October 01, 2002 6:31 PM
Subject: Gnus


Did you ever think about making Gnus read the news. I think it would go a lot better. They can probably read better and aren't as ugly.

Also, why don't you just say "There's a 50% chance of rain". That way you'll always be right because either it will rain, or it won't. Instead of consitently [sic] being wrong. Wouldn't that be nice.

Chainsaw Riggins, Meatier-ologist

The Response...

[Name Redacted]
Subject: Re: Gnus
Date: Tue, 1 Oct 2002 22:49:11 -0700

Thank you for your input, Mr. Riggins.

French's Mustard

Date: Tue Oct 1, 2002 4:11 pm


Hello Mr. French, my name is Chainsaw Riggins with the Chainsaw Riggins of Condiment Related Art and Culture and I would like to send one of my students to audition as your new mustard artist. She is 26 years old and has expressed an interest in mustard art since she was 4. She has
been offered many mustard art scholarships and is planning on starting school in Berkeley this spring where she will be under Professor Emeritus Ignatius J. Wilmington.

She has repeatedly tried to contact your company and to tell you the truth, she is becoming quite discouraged with your behavior. Is it the policy of French's Mustard Corporation to destroy the hopes and dreams of little American girls who have no other option but to join the Taliban?

I sincerely hope not sir.

Chainsaw Riggins, MPCRH


The Response...



From: "Relations, Consumer"
Subject: RE: audition/A202641100
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 2002 10:04:55 -0700

Thank you for contacting us.

Reckitt Benckiser employs the services of a professional agency to seek talent for our advertising messages. Unfortunately, at this time, we're not exploring submissions from our consumers.

We appreciate your thoughtfulness, and your interest in our company.


[Name Redacted]
Consumer Relations Department
Reckitt Benckiser Inc.
P.O. Box 945
Wayne, NJ 07474-0945
Phone: 1-800-228-4722

Letters - An Explanation

This category will be dedicated to a series of letters I have written to companies over the past few years. Most companies don't bother to reply to my messages, but sometimes they do.

Reference Slacks

Submitted to levi.com, somewhere around 22 Nov 2002:


I have an idea that will make Mr. Straus and me very rich. It's a
new line of pant I call Reference Slacks. They're targeted to the
information starved youth population.

You see, in this day and age, kids cannot get enough information from
the clothes they wear. What I am proposing is a pair of smart
(literally) slacks that provide meaningful information that is insightful

and quite handy! I've been working with The Encyclopedia Arcadia
to develop pants that have pages of their latest edition as a pattern. I

suggest you get back to me soon, because, in accordance with the
Taft-Hartley Act, I have also sprung this idea on many of your
competitions and I expect replies very soon!

One more note... I have already worked out the first advertisement.
It goes like this:

A young man and woman are waiting in line at a supermarket and the
woman (played by Oscar Winning Actress Hallee Berry) is staring
directly at the crotch of the young man (Two time Presidential
Physical Fitness Award Winner, CS Riggins). I ask Hallee,
"Excuse me?" in an insulted manner. She replies, "Oh, don't mind
me. I was just finding out that in 1921, Arthur Griffith led an Irish
delegation to establish a free Irish state.



The Response...

From: levistrauss@levi.com
Subject: RE: General/Product-related question from
Date: Fri, 22 Nov 2002 05:20:53 -0800

Hi CS:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us about your idea for a new
line of pants called Reference Slacks.

We have a staff of product design and development professionals
dedicated exclusively to creating products that meet the clothing
preferences and needs of our consumers. While we appreciate your
interest, we are unable to consider your new product idea.

Thanks again for contacting us. If you have further questions, please
feel free to call us at 1-800-USA-LEVI or email us at
levistrauss@levi.com.

Sincerely,

Liberty
Levi Strauss & Co.
libdim2454484